A Survival Guide - Living With Ogres
by The Counsil of Sophisty
Summary: How to deal with life when your parents are ogres. An informative guide, by someone who *knows*...


centerbuA Guide to Parents (Ogres) 9/7/2001/u/bbrbr  
As promised, here is a brief introductory on my ogre research. This is a very different style of writing for me, but feel free to tell me honestly what you think. Hope you enjoy. And may it spread ogre-awareness around the world!  
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Stress (str-ess) n. - Maybe you've had it, maybe you know someone who does. Allow me to explain. Stress, according to Microsoft Encarta is 'a state of extreme difficulty, pressure or strain.' This horrible disease, primarily affecting parents over the age of 30 (aka Ogres), causes them to flip out, yell and generally rub at their face in a vain attempt to mellow out.  
  
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And who are the victims, you may ask? The children. Would SOMEBODY think of the children!? When parents freak out because of their job, the chores, the neighbours, or even something as minor as frustration while on the computer (caused by technological impairment) it triggers a complicated reaction in their brains, which in turn causes them to take it out on their kids, dog, or any innocent bystanders. Why? Because they are ogres, so it couldn't possibly be their own fault now, could it?   
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For example, if your mother was a teacher and a kid at work was giving her a hard time, she isn't allowed to yell at her and publicly humiliate her, is she? No. So when she gets home, the next closest physical likeness to that kid at work is probably her own children. It could be for anything as simple as leaving a glass on the counter, or forgetting to make your bed, it's all the same to a stressed out mom or dad on a rampage.   
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There are many kinds and forms of stress, which are all triggered in the hormonal transformation to 'ogres'; one of the most dangerous is technically referred to as 'Christmas Rage.' This is where the victim, who has become overwhelmed and/or 'enraged' by the entire ordeal of Christmas begins to get stressed out.  
  
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The following things can trigger stress and should be avoided:  
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- Fun, also known as 'merriment'. When the infected person sees another having 'fun' or frolicking about and participating in any physical activity, it causes them to become overwhelmed in envy, then rage because they are so unfortunate to have lost their physical capabilities long ago at a younger age.  
  
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- Christmas. The rush and pandemonium associated with this holiday can stress one out by simply thinking about it. Very dangerous and to be avoided.  
  
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- Driving a car is another privilege, which should be reserved for the un-stressed at all costs. An ogre at the wheel equals road rage, and only bad things can happen from there…  
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- Messes or disarray of any kind can give an ogre extreme reactions, even by glancing at the disorder. Do not let an ogre even so much as look at untidiness.  
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- Jokes and teasing should not be implemented to or around an ogre, as the severe delusions they are experiencing will cause them to take everything personally.  
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- Work should be avoided at all costs. Even fathoming such a concept in that state can cause physically damaging face rubbing, teeth grinding or hand clenching.  
  
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- Noise is another aspect to consider. A person affected by ogorousity should not be exposed to any kind of noise including loud music, soft music, traffic, the scratching of a pencil, talking, singing, squeaking hamster cages or barking animals.  
  
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- Bright colors can cause a strange reaction which makes the individuals brain hurt, causing them to complain, yell or mutter incoherently, words which must not be said around young children.  
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Symptoms include simply leaving, yelling, smashing objects, road rage, hair pulling (themselves or others), excessive tea drinking, excessive usage of terminology not fit for audiences under 12, extreme bursts of hatred towards the TV, computer and/or stereo (depending on which is closest), clenching of fists, threatening to make you live with Grandma, sudden urges to toil over tedious and insignificant yet savage and stress-relieving tasks such as chopping wood, vegetables or hammering nails, reddening of the facial area, clenching of teeth, using excessive force to complete effortless tasks such as setting down a newspaper or dialing the phone, extreme and unlawful uses of wooden spoons, wild and preposterous threats of punishment to come and neglecting to cook supper.  
  
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There are several ways to prevent stress, and eventually the transformation to an ogre as follows:  
  
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- The victims should not be present when the ogre individual arrives. This way, they are more likely to take their stress out on inanimate objects, rather than you.  
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- Nature music tends to sooth adults, triggering a peaceful message to the primal part of their being, the part that is likely to explode if provoked (or not). This prevents sudden explosions and gives victims more warning as stress climaxes.  
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- Yoga, a strange act of contorting the body into shapes deemed physically impossible to those who don't work at the circus. This can prevent stress quickly and efficiently because one certainly can't attack you while they are stuck as a human pretzel.  
  
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- And finally, the most effective method of preventing stress is complete isolation from society. This is rather extreme, but if the victim is put alone in a plain, padded room with no graspable objects, then what are they to release stress on? Gradually they will calm down and can be released back into society. Just make sure they dont have shoelaces in their shoes, or any belts...  
  
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Summing up, if there is anybody you know with stress, help them now, before it's too late. Parents, don't take your stress out on your kids. Do whatever it takes, yoga, nature music, but just remember: your kids need to eat.  
  
  



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